The Crawling Ear: An Epic Poem Recounting My (Non)Adventures With The Ramones

By James Greene, Jr.

Sit back, my child, and prepare your ears
for the most ridiculous poem you’ve heard in years
this story’s not about UFO activity
it is not even about the film House Party 3
this story’s not about E.T. phoning home
it really concerns that punk band the Ramones
and the adventures I had with various members
well, actually, just one – let’s see if I remember…

In the late nineties, long after the Tudors
Marky formed a new band he called the Intruders
I saw them at Warped Tour nineteen ninety-eight
the experience, my friends, was unusually great
for bass player Johnny was throwing shirts to the crowd
I caught one and screamed, “God damn!” quite loud
I unraveled my prize and couldn’t stop staring
I had captured the shirt the bass player had been wearing!

He accidentally tossed it, his grief was enormous
so I returned it at the next Intruders performance
I was asked to play drums while Mark sang “Sedated”
unfortunately I sucked and was quickly berated
by Marky himself, who later smiled and laughed
I gave him my bank statement, which he kindly autographed
The third time I saw them, I tell you no lies
Mark bought me a meal of cheeseburger and fries

Hanging with Mark was enough fun to repeat
it almost made up for this crushing defeat
in high school I only got one suspension
and I was once invited to a sci-fi convention
my friend Greg said, “C’mon, it’ll be cool as hell!”
I said, “Nay, I have a shift at Ye Olde Taco Bell.”
the very next day, my mind was totally blown
when Greg mentioned he stood behind Johnny Ramone!

In line at the con for nearly half an hour
when I heard this my smile turned to a glower
I kicked myself thoroughly for missing this chance
to stand near my hero, his hands, and his pants
but wait – per Ramones tales, I have but one more
one that truly irritates me to my rotten core
I believe it took place on a cold Winter’s day
and revolves around the bass player known as C.J.
One morning I found just outside my door
a package from an address I knew not before
I opened it up and found un Los Gusanso CD
with a letter from C.J. made out to me
“I saw your website, James, of record reviews
I wish that you’d review this one now, too!”
I was quite pleased and bragged to a chum,
“I wonder what else from a Ramone may come?”

The truth came out when this pal sighed into the phone
this package had come not from any damn Ramone!
Mutual friends were playing a prank
my Ramones crank these guys were trying to yank
I should have known better of this devious caper
The note was in crayon on a torn piece of paper
I hunted down these devious, evil lads
and I kicked them both squarely, right in their gnads

So ends my tales of Ramones-related glory
I wish I had more ridiculous stories
about Dee Dee and Richie and Tommy and Clem
and Sticky and Curly and Frankie and Ken
and Bumpus and Ghoulie and Paulie and Steve
and Radar and Chunky and Christopher Reeve
oh those Ramones, they were such wild guys
at least one of them bought me a burger and fries.

Check out the Crawling Ear every Wednesday at Den Of Geek. The last Crawling Ear can be found here.